My Grandma Gave Me Unsolicited Advice – And I Needed it
By Kristine Kaoverii Weber | September 23, 2022
I was in my 20s, my sister was getting married, and at the reception, one of my parents’ friends came up to me and said hi. “Come over here Kris,” she gestured towards an empty table, “I want to talk to you.” I thought we were going to catch up about old times, but as it turned out, she had a different agenda.
She asked me if I was going to church regularly. I told her no because I was exploring other spiritual paths. Then she launched into a 20-minute diatribe about how I needed to get it together, go to confession, get back to church, be a good Catholic, hell was waiting, etc.
Fortunately, her husband eventually noticed the proselytizing and swooped in to rescue me (clearly he’d played that role before). I was a bit shell shocked when she got up and left, she hadn’t been like that growing up. It must’ve shown because my grandmother sat down next to me and said, “What’s wrong Krissy?” Grandma Weber was a devoted Catholic, and a loving, kind person who baked us poppy seed roll when she visited. She was also an old-school Slovak bad ass.
I told her what had happened.
Grandma Weber
The compassion on her face collapsed into a scoff. She stood up and said, “Are you kidding me? And you sat here and listened to that nonsense? It’s your own fault!” Then she stomped away, probably disappointed that her badass genes had not been passed on.
Grandma was right – I had been ridiculous. And she had given me some appropriate, transformative, unsolicited advice. That kind of unsolicited advice, from a person I love, trust, and respect is really empowering. I did not feel shamed or judged, I felt motivated to change.
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Last week I wrote about unsolicited advice in the yoga space. And while most of the responses were along the lines of “Guilty as charged”, “Thank you”, or “That needed to be said,” others argued that sometimes advice is important or lifesaving, even when it’s not solicited – and I think there are some important points there.
But I was writing about giving unsolicited advice in the professional context of being a yoga teacher. When folks come to my classes, I’m assuming that they want my opinion about yoga – but only about yoga, yoga therapy, and healthy living (dinacaryā) – not their marriage, their personality, their politics, or their parenting.
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I realize there are times when asked about something yoga related, that I can veer off into opinion land. That’s pretty human. We’re social creatures. We often like to bounce ideas off of each other – listen to different opinions and talk about things that have worked for us in the past.
But opinions and advice are different things. We are all entitled to our opinions – but when we whittle them into advice that we then stick into others, that’s a different story.
When I’m not wearing my yoga teacher hat, there are times in my life, with people I love, that I believe unsolicited advice is warranted.
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In my role as mom, I have given unsolicited advice to my teenage son (and his friends) about life and death topics like driving, drinking, and drugs – though I’ve tried hard to keep it in the realm of health, logic and law, not hysterical maternal terror. Now that he’s in college I work hard to try to remember to ask if he would like my advice before giving it – which feels like an appropriate evolution of our relationship. Still, sometimes I get my Grandma Weber on and spew advice, because sometimes, he still needs it.
As for adults, there are times when opening my big mouth has felt completely appropriate. There’s a person in my life who struggles with addiction and has been hospitalized for it several times. I admit that I have offered this person unsolicited advice – I’ve even shown up uninvited, taken charge of situations, and made decisions for them.
Chronic relapse can be an ongoing life and death situation. If I had tried to be polite and not offer advice, this person may have died (and BTW, I am aware of the theories about addiction recovery that eschew interventions even at this level that would find my actions unethical or co-dependent. For me, making the call to intervene was not difficult because this person’s life was more important to me than risking being labeled an unsolicited advice giver). When this person is not relapsing or in danger, I work hard to avoid giving unsolicited advice.
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There are a few people in my life with whom I feel perfectly comfortable with both spontaneously sharing my advice, and whose spontaneous advice I appreciate – it’s implicitly solicited. We have a tacit agreement – only because there is mutual love, trust, respect, and non-judgment.
Sometimes that dynamic arises in my slightly larger social circle, but in those cases it’s still really nice, in both directions, to ask permission. It demonstrates the kindness, compassion, and lack of judgment you feel for that person. And that’s what it all boils down to in the end anyway. My grandma could say anything she wanted to me, and I never felt judged, berated, or shamed – because I knew she loved me unconditionally.
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Getting back to the yoga space, there have been a few times I felt it necessary to intervene with students in teacher training programs because of extreme mental or behavioral health situations. I asked them if they were getting professional help and made their continued participation contingent upon it. Unsolicited advice? Perhaps. Necessary for ensuring the safety of the student, maintaining professional boundaries, and the safety of the group process? Definitely.
There are no absolutes in the advice-iverse, but we can navigate every situation as it arises and work the yamas and niyamas. It may be prudent to turn the mirror back on ourselves and evaluate whether we are the ones who actually need the advice. Are we projecting our own sh*t onto others? Are we afraid of their pain? Are we being nosey and/or judgmental – those are important questions to keep alive.
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When people are struggling, they often don’t want advice, but rather someone with a compassionate, kind face with good listening skills to hold some space for them. I loved and trusted my grandma, she freely gave me unsolicited advice and it was okay. I don’t feel that way about everyone.
So, what do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts (or even advice) on this topic!
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I can relate to that balancing act of learning how to ask my adult children before I give my advice and just giving it because sometimes they still just need it! With this in mind, because of the way the font in the last image in your blog is designed I thought it said “Mama Niyamas” instead of “Yama Niyamas” – LOL…”Mama Niyamas” could be a whole blog unto itself! LOL
Ha! I love that!!!
I also thought it said Mama Niyamas!
hahaha!
I really enjoy reading all of this, how you write and your stories. I get a lot out of just listening. I love how you explain that your grandmother spoke her mind and you knew it was not to shame or judge you. Intention, feel and tone is often missing in text especially social media, one of our greatest for all types of unsolicited advice from strangers. Also, your line “their life was more important to me” about helping your friend was a great was to explain clearly and simply the flexibility you allow.
So, I agree, the relationship context is very important and all and any rules can/should be broken if the heart is really leading the way, mostly it’s not. On social media it’s not even a whole person we are seeing, just a micro and possibly in professional relationships, associate relationships and family as well. We are still seeing part of, not a whole. Most unsolicited advice comes from that, a glimpse or a story of another person with the advice givers story on top. It doesn’t turn out well most of the time, people who aren’t really seen don’t want to be unheard as well. Yet there are those moment when it’s helpful, needed, a blessing to, mostly from someone whom we do trust, need or who has delivered it at the right time, right place and with love.
Yes Chariss – so many good points. Thank you.
So happy to be part of your subtle yoga group. Looking forward to your emails.
thank you!
Just read a FB post from Buddhist Bootcamp: When someone shares their problems with you, before saying anything else to them, ask: do you want me to listen or troubleshoot?
Yeah, the Buddhist bootcampers got it going on
Lovely and thought-FULL sentiments. THank you!
thank you!
I agree with everything you said Kristine. Sometimes unsolicited advice is appropriate & sometimes it’s not. Sometimes being a friend, parent, family member, or someone who simply cares means risking that’s persons opinion about you & telling them, or better framed, sharing with them the truth (as we see it), because as you say, sometimes the risk is well merited. Speaking truth/truthfully is not a popularity contest. Whether it comes across as judgment, advice or an opinion is secondary, & speaks more to the receivers perspective than our actual intention (which is hopefully loving/caring). People will receive things how they perceive them regardless of our presentation (we receive how we perceive in proportion to our attitudes, assumptions, beliefs & expectations). If we cannot be truthful with those we love & care about, then who can we be truthful with? (including ourselves – sometimes we need to “be real” with ourselves & give ourselves some unsolicited advise/opinion/tough love – LOL!).
Have you ever felt an almost involuntary compulsion to say something to someone & before you could even finish getting the words out of your mouth, you think; oops – maybe I shouldn’t be saying this? And then we’re so worried & afraid of offending others that we never speak (or move), let alone *speaking Truth or our (relative) truth (*meaning(personal truth) is relative (& subjective), but Truth is Universal (& uniting)). How can we share & evolve ideas, have conversations, grow as individuals & collectively, without risking being offensive to others? Of course it’s not our intent, but again the perception of offence is attributed to the receiver – It reveals more about their perception(s) of themselves & world views, rather than us/ours &/or our intention(s) to offer solicited or unsolicited advice &/or opinion(s). One teacher offered; ” when you feel compelled to say something, say it & don’t worry if anyone’s ready to hear it or not” (it needed to be said PERIOD). Another teacher offers; “A word fitly spoken in due season is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (there’s a time & a place for everything). At the end of the day, I feel discernment is key & our approach should be love motivated & a balance of all these considerations. Knowledge (we feel compelled to share) without wisdom is like an axe without an edge; better to bruise than to cut.
To your Light – Blessings Multiplied,
Clint
Namaste
Thanks Clint, appreciate your thoughts. I found these cartoons from the New Yorker really enlightening. https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/this-is-what-your-unsolicited-advice-sounds-like
Truth is important, but satya means the benevolent application of truth, not raw, unadulterated truth. Sometimes people aren’t ready to hear truth and it’s not always our job to provide it either. Still, in this day and age of intense scrutiny and cancel culture, I think it’s important to honestly and regularly examine our relationship to truth.
Well said & thank you for your solicited opinion & advice (LOL!!). Love the cartoons. I think we’re in agreement on this topic. Life (including all manner expression or conversation) is always a low or high wire balancing act. Sometimes risk is greater or less; the purpose outweighs the risk & vice-versa.
I would acknowledge that I have no empirical evidence (other than my own subjective experience) to conclude anything, and I question that on a regular basis.
In practice: All I offer (if I offer) is tempered with the humble awareness & sober acknowledgment that I know nothing. And the more I know, the more I sincerely realize that fact (but I always feel smarter listening to you! ;-). Once permitted or compelled, I practice to always preface my opinion or advice with; “I know a lot about nothing, & nothing about a lot…”; I practice to relate to myself/experience(s), so the person doesn’t feel implicitly judged. I will say something like; “I’m learning…” or “I’ve learned…” I feel this practice is disarming & better received.
And sometimes regardless of what you do or how you do it; “damned if you do & damned if you don’t” so…..(?)
Thanks again Kristine for inspiring this very valuable conversation.
(unsolicited advice): Stay Blessed,
Clint (LOL!!!)
Some advice I received years ago regarding advice: Offer it only if you can answer yes to ALL of the following questions, – 1) Does it need to be said? 2) Does it need to be said right now? 3) Does it need to be said by ME? Always, always appreciate your posts Kristine. 🧡
Before you speak T.H.I.N.K.
T = is it True?
H = is it Helpful?
I = is it Inspiring?
N = is it Necessary?
K = is it Kind?
Those are great questions Beth – thank you!
I agree with you Kristine. I think different teachers get different requests for advise. As an old male teacher I get requests all the time. I guess they associate age with being wise ( I am just a regular human). I get some really heartfelt requests and I often refer them to therapy. I think some of the most important advise is to hear the person, take their problem seriously and then convince them that it is OK to seek help-that’s all some need is a little push in the right direction. I have said ” as the treadmill is to the cardio Dr. , so yoga is to the phycologist” Yoga classes especially the slow ones, crack open people and the stuff they have been hiding comes out. And some goofy stuff as well — I even get the young girls at the gym that bring their newest boyfriend to meet me ????? Oh and ” Dave – can you help me get pregnant ” ? AHH no -that’s not in my job description.
Wonderful and incredibly applicable (to any situation) column! Thank you for your insight.
Thanks Lisa!
I love reading the comments and your responses to them, as much as I love reading your blogs!
Thanks for the more detailed meaning of satya (Benevolent truth) and the suggestion that we regularly and honestly review our relationship with truth. ‘Truth’ has been a constant and challenging topic of self inquiry throughout my life. Now I’m 63 I reckon Truth and it’s multifaceted, semi permeable edges is something bigger and more complex than my brain can comprehend. I’ve let go of seeking truth and choose instead to sit with the questions, with all my antennae engaged.
Loved this, thought provoking, valuable and relevant – I’m looking in the mirror today !! Thank you
Another inspiring, relevant and clear article from your hand. Thank you.
I read most of what you post and love the fact that your experience with yoga is so deep that you can communicate through everyday examples and and link aspects of yoga to everyday life.
I am very passionate about this link and find that off the mat is where my real practice starts.
So thanks for taking the time to research and share with us and for bringing out nuances in the vast world of yoga.